I think I mentioned that we had to leave from our apartment at 5AM last Tuesday? Yeah, that wasn't too fun. For those of you who know how I "stand" health-wise, this won't come as a shock: insomnia + hypoglycemia + hardly any sleep + traveling/running about all day + not much to eat = a very, very unstable Emily. *I want to point out that by 'unstable' I am not saying like crazy emotional or volatile, I wasn't running around crying about puppies & flowers or anything like that {I'm not THAT much of a girl}* Mentally & physically I was exhausted and weak. Emotionally & spiritually I felt sort of distant, you could say. In hindsight, I discovered that I was feeling this way not just because of the tangible difficulties but because of the spiritual warfare. Whenever the Lord is preparing to pour out His Spirit in a powerful way, opposition comes {i.e. family problems, health issues, emotional troubles, increased temptation -- anything to keep your eyes off of the Lord & thereby decrease your usefulness}. While I knew logically that I had no reason to feel anything but blessed and thankful, I could not help but feel almost bitter, in a sense. God felt distant & I was upset that He would take me away from the new comfort zone that I had built for myself in Montebelluna just to leave me feeling so weak and alone.
I was directed to the Psalms during my devotional time each occasion that I sat down to read. How precious the words of the Psalms are to me! Regardless of my state of mind when beginning to read, the Lord met with me and renewed my perspective. After getting some food, well-needed rest, & time in the Word, the following days began much, much more positively.
We went to quite a good deal of sights and I do not want to make this specific posting too lengthy {most of you probably won't actually read the whole thing if I do}. SO I am going to give an overview on here and then make each significant sight/occurrence it's own post. Sound good?
A list of places we went to {although by no means comprehensive, these are all the sights that I can remember off the top of my head}:
Pantheon, the Spanish Steps, the Trevi Fountain, the Colosseum & Forum, Arch of Titus, Paul's Prison, the Holy Steps, St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, Vatican Museum {I didn't go in because of financial restrictions}, the Catacombs, and the Apian Road
General highlights:
I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to spend time with the people from the Murrieta & Mallorca campuses. It is glorious how the Lord binds together the hearts of His people from all over the world in a matter or moments. Each day I had the opportunity to get to know another person one-on-one and enjoy fellowship with them. {Micaela: if you are actually reading this like you said you would, here is a little shout out from your fellow OC girl}
Iron sharpens iron: each conversation & interaction sharpened me in a necessary and distinct way. We had to turn in a paper for Mark class about Jesus' words in Mark 3:33-35, "Who is My mother, or My brothers... Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother." The trip gave me the practical experience for the idea of the paper: the intimacy in the body of Christ runs deeper than the intimacy in a blood-related family.
It was really strange to be in a land so rich in history, both insomuch as Christian history and secular history is concerned. One thing I have admired fondly about places like Washington D.C. is the incredible antiquity of the architecture. It dawned on me while in Rome that the oldest things to see in D.C. are from the l a t e 18th century at best, yet a majority of the buildings and ruins in Rome are from the first few centuries AD and EVEN some dating so far back as BC days. HOW INSANE IS THAT? My dad is an architect & being the faithful "daddy's girl" that I am, architecture has always been something that I admire. How close I felt to him whilst wandering those lavish streets! There is something new at every turn, another treasure for your eyes. One day I will travel back to Rome and bring my parents with me, I am determined.
By far the truest highlight from the trip as a whole is the nearness I felt with the Lord. Earlier I mentioned that I felt distant -- this quickly changed as I received fresh perspective. Oh, that I could find the proper words to express the inexpressible! Being in the presence of God is the most satisfying & worthwhile thing that a man can do. David speaks of this in Psalm 16:11, "You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."If there is one thing that I wish for you above all else, it is that you would experience for yourself this fullness. We were made for communion with God; I discover this more and more each time I sit at His feet.
I do not wish to be misunderstood: this trip was one of the most confusing, troubling, disorienting, and terrifying weeks of my life in many ways. I believe that the fruit produced in my life from it is a direct result of the level of challenge. I desire not to tell you all of the hardships I faced, those can be saved for a later date -- in person, preferably. However, I am going to tell you some of what was revealed to me about the Lord's character through it.
The Father's Heart:
There was one night that I was feeling exceptionally vulnerable after a negative experience on the metro; nothing was taken from me, by the grace of God, but I was pretty shaken up about it. Logical Emily was saying to suck it up and not make a big deal about it. Sensitive Emily was entirely unsettled. I think as humans, our natural response is to push away anything that makes us feel weak. We don't want to be susceptible, defenseless, feeble, or deficient. Plainly, it is an issue of pride; but I think it is also an issue of fear. We are afraid to be weak because if we are weak, we are likely to break. There was a huge struggle going on within me of whether or not to push away the experience completely or let it all out even if I didn't know what would happen as a result. Once I was to the point where I could not reasonably stand the tension anymore, I sat alone on the floor of the hostel and began to weep. I grabbed my Bible and started reading in Psalm 101 and read through a few chapters between the tears. Christ spoke to me the same words he spoke to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." My soul held to that promise; in that moment of my weakest weakness, I found in Christ the strongest strength -- for when I am weak, there H E is strong.
God gave me a deeper understanding of the idea of Him as my Father. Sitting all alone on the cold, hard floor of the dimly lit hostel, I wanted nothing more than to have my daddy's arms holding me. I longed more than I ever have before for the security and comfort I have in him. It is really hard to be a young single girl on my own in such a confusing world. I realized in that instant the nearness of God. As much as I wanted it, I did not need my earthly father's arms to hold me -- I have the arms of the Father who knit me together in my mother's womb and paves the path for my feet to walk holding me securely. It has been said, "the safest place to be is at the center of God's will." In my submission to His plan for my life, though scary at times, I have found the most sure foundation. I am so close with my daddy, but I must desire and seek all the more earnestly to be even closer with my heavenly Father. The Lord gave me my dad to be a picture of the unconditional love of the Father; and though Bob Bergmann has done a wonderful job at communicating to me the love of God as Father, he is a human and his love is flawed {though I must say that I have more respect for him than for any other man on earth, he really is such a good daddy}. The love of God is perfect. Where my dad will fail me, God never will & I can have confidence in that truth.
It is nearly time for my Women's Discipleship class, which means that I must come to a close.
This evening, I will post more specific details about the sight-seeing and some pictures.
I hope that you all have gained something special from my ramblings
Love you
xo Em
"For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are but dust"
Psalm 103:11-14
Just wanted to express thanks for taking the time to "ramble" about your experiences.
ReplyDeleteI was encouraged as I read, with divine timing to my current circumstance.
Our Jesus is good.
Thanks!
Ricardo